He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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