If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
