Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
