sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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