I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He felt like a one man threesome
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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