my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
