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If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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