Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
