if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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