u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
