there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
