Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
