I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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