they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
