Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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