I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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