Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
