My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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