i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
