Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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