Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
