im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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