I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
