is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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