remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
