You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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