I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
