Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
