don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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