apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
