I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
