I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
