On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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