It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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