Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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