He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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