I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
