dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
