He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
