And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
