You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
