I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
