In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
