Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I look excited, but its just a facade.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
