Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
