I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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