So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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