I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
