remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
