I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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