But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
