i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
